I have been massively lacking in blog entries lately, and for that I apologise. It's been too long since I've written an entry, so I'll update ya'll on what's happened. I'm not in the best mood right now, so excuse any negativity or "depressive" writing.

So, I heard some news about Luke that was surprising, and really bad. I don't really feel like writing it publicly on here, but I'm willing to tell anyone who doesn't yet know more privately or whatever. It's bad and involves a friend of mine and is a pretty typical stereotype of an asshole.

Reeling from this information, I decided not to dump him, although all my friends seem to think I should have. But I knew that if dealing with this news and the fact that I couldn't be with Luke for a few days, let alone forever, I knew there was no way I could dump him. But that didn't mean I was letting him off easily. Luke has been banned from seeing the previously mentioned friend alone outside school from now on. And if any such incident occurs again, dumping WILL happen. No matter what my feelings are.

But, to my friends this seems to be forgiving considering the situation. I haven't been harsh enough. Even though I've managed to reduce Luke to tears over this, it's still not enough?

So I came to the conclusion that I'm not doing this to keep my friends happy, I'm doing to keep me happy but not make me the dumbassed girlfriend who always says when they do it again, "This will be the last time, I know it... I'm sure." Even though, quite obviously it won't be. But I'm not like that, I know it. I'm not an idiot, far from it. And if it does happen again, I will make myself dump him, feelings be damned. That's when I know it's a lost cause. He promised me that he'll never do it again. And, unlike my friends, I trust Luke with my life. And just because he's kept this from me, doesn't mean that everything that's happened in the past year and a half means nothing. It means everything.

So there I go, ignoring my friends strong opinions and going with my gut and my heart by going back to Luke. At first, it was like it never happened, but I can tell things are different. I still haven't seen him outside school since hearing the news, and I'm not sure exactly what will come of it.

After all this, I've had a streak of shitassed bad luck. I burned my leg, my lock broke, I locked my keys in my locker and today I felt majorly shit for no reason. And on top of that, the Luke thing has thrown me backwards in my thinking. Things I thought I stopped doing, anxiety disorder wise, have started coming back. Being overdramatic, crying over jack all, trying to get attention, feeling shit from tiny comments... it reminds me of the old me. The me that I've spent so long trying to get rid of. Shy, bitchy, nerdy, typical, loser Alex. Old Alex. And dear fucking god I hate her more than anything on this earth. Because she is nothing. I don't want to be nothing again.

So sure, I may be scared massively of spiders, moths, heights, deep water and countless other things... but my deepest fear? Being the old me. And the one thing that pisses me off more than anything is being compared to HER. Being treated like I'm still here. Being coddled like a special person, being told I always do something...

That's why when someone assumes they know something about me, usually anything, I get pissed off. It's usually wrong, because fuck no, you don't know. Few people know me. I'm just fucking restricted all the time by this bullshit in my head. Shyness, anxiety disorder... whatever.

And on another topic, Morality. I'm so very, very, very sorry that I still haven't got around to writing. Anything. With reason though, see above. I swear I'll get to it! Really. So much shit has been going on, I just have to wait 'til it calms down. I don't have access to my computer, emotional crap, school work, burnt leg, plans... the list goes on. I'm hectic as! But I swear, when it calms down, I'll get to it.

So my birthday is about a month away! Wooooo~! Yeah, I cannot wait. I was finalising my birthday list yesterday (yes, I'm massively overprepared, deal with it) and I'm very excited. There's a possibility I'll get an iPod Touch, plus some DVDs, games and stuff. And on the note of presents, yes I will have a birthday party. And I thought I'd tell everyone here if you want to know what to get me:

JUST GET ME MONEY. IF YOU BUY ME A PRESENT, I WILL MAKE YOU TAKE IT BACK AND GIVE ME MONEY.

Why? Because the things I want are a bit too expensive, so I'm going to tell everyone to buy me DS games and DVD box sets. But if I get money, they all get pooled together and I can buy those things.

Another point: Twitter. I've noticed some of my friends have started getting it. (Finally!!) And some people have and then got it rid of it because "it looked too hard" or "it seemed comfusing". Others haven't even bothered because "it looks gay." Y'know that status message you can put on MySpace and Facebook where you tell everyone what you're doing? Yeah, take that and get rid of everything else on the social networking site and you're left with what Twitter is. You tell everyone what you're doing, reply to what other people are doing, etc. It's easy, not hard to manage, and addictive. You can set up Twitter through your mobile so you can tell people what you're doing on the go.

And if you have too many websites you have statues to update for, I have another solution. I use a website called Ping.fm. Ping.fm allows you to post your status through there and it sends it to all of your social network sites. You can also get that on your mobile. So, please, give Twitter a try!! It's not hard. I can help you out if you need the help too. Please, get Twitter.

Wow, I think I'm finally done ranting. It's a miracle.

Your blogger,
Miss Alexiness.